If you feel trapped how did you let yourself get that way?

I want very badly to get back to the country. I lived in Gasport and I moved even further out to Albion. I lived in the country! I loved it. If you look at my old blog, I had an old fashioned pantry you would die for.........then my cousin died. I was doing yoga to change my life and it did. I asked for a family and I got one.....my own. I saw all of my old Rindfleisch family at the wake and funeral. I got really close to my cousin Ursula, it was her brother that died. Through a series of events, I moved back to the city to be close to my family and friends and work. I left my love behind.  I have liked it here in the city, everything is close. Work is close. I really didn't mind the long drive to work back then. I am no closer to my family than when I lived in the boonies. I have reached out. Many times. But I can only reach out so many times. If I have to be the one to keep doing it, is anything really there? And Ursula and I aren't even talking. We never grew up together, maybe we just tried to force it just cuz we are family. Maybe that is why I loved the country. People treat you like family whether you are or not. I miss my friendship with Katherine. I barely see her now. I do have my really good friend Barb. That's about the only good thing about the city right now.  I feel trapped because I want to move back and smell the air that smells like you are in the middle of a pumpkin. I want to walk my dogs along the edge of the cornfields. I used to sit and watch the sunset every night. And my love would visit me when he could. He has an obligation to nurture a beautiful young daughter. In some ways I used to get so mad at him, when in reality I was really mad at my own father for not doing it. I would never want his daughter to have the terrible inadequate feelings I have had all my life. I feel what he is doing is quite noble and if he and I can share a friendship then I feel very blessed and lucky.  I don't want to move to the country solely because of him, I want to do if mainly for MY soul. That is where I thrive.


So how do I change this? I don't know yet. I have some what of a plan to get back. Eventually to buy my homestead. Soon! I do know that what ever I put my mind to. I do. I do well. I get it done!!! So I am not worried.